Love My Lurkers? I Lurk Myself

Love My Lurkers? I Lurk Myself

Thursday was Bonnie’s annual “Love Our Lurkers” day, and I thought about writing a post, but then I decided that I might actually be the biggest lurker on this blog. TM said she heard the blog crying. So, I’m delurking. Not like anything hasn’t happened since, when was it? August? Bad Tiger. So, if you are still reading, lurking or not, thank you.

Shortly after my last post I moved out of my apartment. I’m currently living with Zelda and Gamer in Northeast BFE. Right now it looks like I’ll get to move back in in early January when she moves out of town. I’m thankful that I have a place to live, that I was able to get out of an awkward situation, but living with Zelda and Damer has it’s challenges. He’s chronically depressed, she’s a control freak (sometimes to the point of being rather snipy), and I can never tell when their arguing with each other is banter or a real thing. I get occasional banter, I frequently engage in it, but when you toss around statements like, “I hate you,” “you’re a loser,” “can you ever do anything right?” one has to wonder if there’s more going on. Maybe I’m just a little sensative because I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and maybe this works for them, but as a third party it’s just a little weird to be in the middle of it all.

My birthday happened, I got older. I got a pretty red dress that didn’t fit from TM, and exchanged it for a nice black one that does. Sad though, that red one was cuuuute.

TM came out for the JoCo/TMBG concert. It was a fun night, but semi rouined by Sheek being a bitch, and us not being impressed with TMBG live. Sorry to the few of you I know were talking about TMBG on Twitter the other day, but I only like a sampling of their stuff. Also, TM was wearing a new pair of extremely sexy hot boots and her feet were killing her. After the 3 hour drive back to the house, I of course abliged her in a foot massage (I’ve promised to whenever she wears heels) and we finally got some alone time to engage in massages of a different variety.

In mid October I flew out to a convention with TM. While I was flying, she was visiting the Lady Doctor. My flight had three segments, as we were sitting on the tarmac between segments 1 and 2 my phone chirped with a text. TM was headed for an ultrasound. That’s pretty much all she said, and apparently it was real-time. I kind of lost it. Cancer is almost a certainty with her, and I don’t do wellin an information vacuum. As we flew on, I scribbled out a blog post that never got published. I pretty much unloaded. I’m not afraid to admit I was scared as hell. I finally found my forever love, and I’m not in the mood to lose her anytime soon.

We touched down the second time, and I got a little more info. Mostly, she was going to fill me in later, but that she was ok at the moment.

When I got to town she gave me the details. The doc thought she felt something during the exam, ultrasound was clear, but because of the history an MRI was being scheduled. insurance needed to PA the test, insurance would need to PA breathing if they could find a way to do it, so we were in a holding pattern until we knew more. We went about preparing for the convention, neither of us feeling like doing anything other than shutting out the world and hiding. She had a big role to play, and wasn’t looking forward to the level of acting she’d have to do to get through it. I was just trying to be there, trying to help where I could, trying to be supportive. Mostly feeling scared and uncertainabout what I could do to help.

There were still some good moments. She picked out a banquet dress that had me quivering all night, and the 3 or 4 inche red heels (mm), and waiting for things to be over so I could have some fun with her. Let me tell you, whatever she did to me that night had me shaking, quivering, and ending up in a puddle of Tiger goo. If this is what it’s like now, I can’t imagine what actual sex is going to feel like with her.

We found out the MRI was scheduled for Monday, and a follow-up appointment with her oncologist was on Tuesday. I called my boss and asked to arrange some additional time off so I could stay. She was less than thrilled, but agreed (though I got a lecture about not extending the next trip I took out there). I was greatful, a number of factors had me not wanting to leave her alone for all of that.

Thankfully, the oncologist didn’t find anything. We’re still going to have to watch for things, but she’s okay now.

I spent the rest of the week out there. We mostly just spent time together, cuddling, holding on, and being thankful.

TM came out a week later for an event here. One my spouse wasn’t planning on attending, then changed her mind and decided to be at after all. TM was a little worried that she wasn’t going to make it home alive, but to the best of my knowledge, there was no beat-down delivered, no attempt to drag her into a dark alley, or throw her into the ocean with cement boots. We also successfully avoided the Whore of Baltimore, who has been trying to corner the both of us for months because she wants to fish for gossip. And, we got Cheesy bread, so score.

Six more sleeps and I’ll be in her arms again. I just need to get through this stupid conference, write a stupid paper (so I don’t have to while I’m there), and I get to spend 9 days with her.

I’ve promised her a spanking. I’ve promised that she will be over my lap for an extended hand spanking, and that she will be bent over the table as the leather of my belt kisses the soft skin of her bottom. I’ve promised that she will spend much of the week with a red bottom, that I will take every opportunity to make up for the spanking I wanted to give her back in October, but didn’t because of the doctor’s appointments. I’ve promised her that I will find something else to tie her to the bed with, so I don’t stretch out the belts of her sweaters again. I’ve promised her that I will run my hands and lips over every inch of her body. That she will tremble and quiver under me. That she will cum, if I want her to. i’ve promised her that she will fall asleep safely tucked in my arms every night, and I think she likes that one the best. You know what? I do too. i’m taking her out on an actual date. One where I will wear a suit, and she a sexy purple dress that will (if seeing it off of her is any indication) make my heart stop. She’s promised that I will spend my own amount of time trembling and begging to cum. I seem to remember somethig about lotion, a massage, and touching me everywhere but where I most need to be touched, and a lengthy amount of teasing before I get my release. She’s also promised that Rachel isgoing to have her own date night, though we will be staying in, but I should be aware I won’t be dressed for long. There have been a few slight hints that I may be in for my own spanking, but we’ll see.

I miss her so much when we’re not together. She’s my home, my safe place, my best thing. I can’t imagine my life without her. I am beyond lucky and blessed that I’ve found someone who loves me for all of me, who wants every aspect of me.

I hate it when reality threatens to messthat up. We were talking about when she might get to come meet my family and I said that maybe next Christmas. She pointed out that my divorce will barely be final, and that my family will question me bringing someone home so soon. As much as i like to hope they mean what they say, that they just want me to be happy, and as much as I know they don’t routinely judge each other, she’s right, and we have to take that slow. I hate that, I hate that i’m happy and whole and have to not share it with the world. Loving her is one of the easiest things to do. Maybe I should grieve the loss of my marriage more, but you know, I grieved it for a long time before I walked out the door. I accepted it would end. Somewhere, I knew that I would have to leave in order to be me. I possibly never should have gotten married. In some ways i regret it. I regret that things are hard for me and TM now because of it. I regret that we will probably have one or two fights about the spouse, about how we’re supposed to act around her, around people who know her, about when we can just always be us without watching our back. Because, the way I am in public when we are, is kind of how I’ve always been with her, but now everyone’s (mostly in the org we all belong to) watching. It wasn’t so bad in her state, but when she was here, I would always question whether I should even lean over and whisper something to her. Should I walk up to the registration table and help out, or will someone, Scarlet I’m looking at you, read more into it and start making comments?

Don’t take it wrong. I’m not looking to flaunt this relationship, that’s just mean. I just hate the waiting to be us. I need to remember that we are us, whenever we can be, and right now we can’t always. I don’t like it, but it’s okay. I told her this morning that I know we’ll be together someday forever, but someday sometimes seems like it’s never gonna get here. Then, I cried. Stupid hormones :).

I’ll be back. Hopefully with lots of stories from the next couple of weeks.