I’ll be back with real blog posts like my cross-country move, settling into life actually living in the same place as The Midget, and why actually sharing that Open Letter to My Mom with her went as well as I knew it would, but first this gem of a conversation.

(we’re watching L&O: SVU from the beginning):
Benson: can you think of a reason he would have sodamized your husban with a banana?
Me (looking up from my homework): Did she just say Banana?
TM: Yes… Honey, tha’ts not something we’ll ever be using.
Me: Too curvy?
TM: To big
[pause]
TM: Too … Fruit?!

So, the list of things we’ll never be using in our sex life includes fire, electricity, the bamboo cooking implements that live in the kitchen (I was informed they have been designated for cooking, not spanking), penguins, dinosaurs, and now apparently fruit.

Em posted this article from the Boston Globe about a transgenedered teen’s experiences on Twitter earlier today. The article also touches on a clinic in Boston that is working to address the issues faced by transgendered individuals long before they are typically identified and treated. It’s a very touching article, well worth a read.

There’s more I could say on the subject, but my wrist is bugging me again (I took a nasty fall walking to lunch today) so I’ll save it for another post.

Sorry Em, didn’t mean to steal two post ideas from you.

I’m working on the final project for the C# class I’m taking this semester which involves creating a graphical user interface. I’m not a fan of GUI design mostly because I suck at it. I give you the following little ditty that I composed moments ago, with apologies to Good King Wensesslaus and possibly the world:

I hate interface design, It can kiss my backside
What the hell’s so wrong with text? It works for me just fine
Darn you people and your need, to make everything look pretty
This parody’s over now, it’s really not that witty

Thursday was Bonnie’s annual “Love Our Lurkers” day, and I thought about writing a post, but then I decided that I might actually be the biggest lurker on this blog. TM said she heard the blog crying. So, I’m delurking. Not like anything hasn’t happened since, when was it? August? Bad Tiger. So, if you are still reading, lurking or not, thank you.

Shortly after my last post I moved out of my apartment. I’m currently living with Zelda and Gamer in Northeast BFE. Right now it looks like I’ll get to move back in in early January when she moves out of town. I’m thankful that I have a place to live, that I was able to get out of an awkward situation, but living with Zelda and Damer has it’s challenges. He’s chronically depressed, she’s a control freak (sometimes to the point of being rather snipy), and I can never tell when their arguing with each other is banter or a real thing. I get occasional banter, I frequently engage in it, but when you toss around statements like, “I hate you,” “you’re a loser,” “can you ever do anything right?” one has to wonder if there’s more going on. Maybe I’m just a little sensative because I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and maybe this works for them, but as a third party it’s just a little weird to be in the middle of it all.

---

My birthday happened, I got older. I got a pretty red dress that didn’t fit from TM, and exchanged it for a nice black one that does. Sad though, that red one was cuuuute.

---

TM came out for the JoCo/TMBG concert. It was a fun night, but semi rouined by Sheek being a bitch, and us not being impressed with TMBG live. Sorry to the few of you I know were talking about TMBG on Twitter the other day, but I only like a sampling of their stuff. Also, TM was wearing a new pair of extremely sexy hot boots and her feet were killing her. After the 3 hour drive back to the house, I of course abliged her in a foot massage (I’ve promised to whenever she wears heels) and we finally got some alone time to engage in massages of a different variety.

---

In mid October I flew out to a convention with TM. While I was flying, she was visiting the Lady Doctor. My flight had three segments, as we were sitting on the tarmac between segments 1 and 2 my phone chirped with a text. TM was headed for an ultrasound. That’s pretty much all she said, and apparently it was real-time. I kind of lost it. Cancer is almost a certainty with her, and I don’t do wellin an information vacuum. As we flew on, I scribbled out a blog post that never got published. I pretty much unloaded. I’m not afraid to admit I was scared as hell. I finally found my forever love, and I’m not in the mood to lose her anytime soon.

We touched down the second time, and I got a little more info. Mostly, she was going to fill me in later, but that she was ok at the moment.

When I got to town she gave me the details. The doc thought she felt something during the exam, ultrasound was clear, but because of the history an MRI was being scheduled. insurance needed to PA the test, insurance would need to PA breathing if they could find a way to do it, so we were in a holding pattern until we knew more. We went about preparing for the convention, neither of us feeling like doing anything other than shutting out the world and hiding. She had a big role to play, and wasn’t looking forward to the level of acting she’d have to do to get through it. I was just trying to be there, trying to help where I could, trying to be supportive. Mostly feeling scared and uncertainabout what I could do to help.

There were still some good moments. She picked out a banquet dress that had me quivering all night, and the 3 or 4 inche red heels (mm), and waiting for things to be over so I could have some fun with her. Let me tell you, whatever she did to me that night had me shaking, quivering, and ending up in a puddle of Tiger goo. If this is what it’s like now, I can’t imagine what actual sex is going to feel like with her.

We found out the MRI was scheduled for Monday, and a follow-up appointment with her oncologist was on Tuesday. I called my boss and asked to arrange some additional time off so I could stay. She was less than thrilled, but agreed (though I got a lecture about not extending the next trip I took out there). I was greatful, a number of factors had me not wanting to leave her alone for all of that.

Thankfully, the oncologist didn’t find anything. We’re still going to have to watch for things, but she’s okay now.

I spent the rest of the week out there. We mostly just spent time together, cuddling, holding on, and being thankful.

---

TM came out a week later for an event here. One my spouse wasn’t planning on attending, then changed her mind and decided to be at after all. TM was a little worried that she wasn’t going to make it home alive, but to the best of my knowledge, there was no beat-down delivered, no attempt to drag her into a dark alley, or throw her into the ocean with cement boots. We also successfully avoided the Whore of Baltimore, who has been trying to corner the both of us for months because she wants to fish for gossip. And, we got Cheesy bread, so score.

---

Six more sleeps and I’ll be in her arms again. I just need to get through this stupid conference, write a stupid paper (so I don’t have to while I’m there), and I get to spend 9 days with her.

I’ve promised her a spanking. I’ve promised that she will be over my lap for an extended hand spanking, and that she will be bent over the table as the leather of my belt kisses the soft skin of her bottom. I’ve promised that she will spend much of the week with a red bottom, that I will take every opportunity to make up for the spanking I wanted to give her back in October, but didn’t because of the doctor’s appointments. I’ve promised her that I will find something else to tie her to the bed with, so I don’t stretch out the belts of her sweaters again. I’ve promised her that I will run my hands and lips over every inch of her body. That she will tremble and quiver under me. That she will cum, if I want her to. i’ve promised her that she will fall asleep safely tucked in my arms every night, and I think she likes that one the best. You know what? I do too. i’m taking her out on an actual date. One where I will wear a suit, and she a sexy purple dress that will (if seeing it off of her is any indication) make my heart stop. She’s promised that I will spend my own amount of time trembling and begging to cum. I seem to remember somethig about lotion, a massage, and touching me everywhere but where I most need to be touched, and a lengthy amount of teasing before I get my release. She’s also promised that Rachel isgoing to have her own date night, though we will be staying in, but I should be aware I won’t be dressed for long. There have been a few slight hints that I may be in for my own spanking, but we’ll see.

I miss her so much when we’re not together. She’s my home, my safe place, my best thing. I can’t imagine my life without her. I am beyond lucky and blessed that I’ve found someone who loves me for all of me, who wants every aspect of me.

I hate it when reality threatens to messthat up. We were talking about when she might get to come meet my family and I said that maybe next Christmas. She pointed out that my divorce will barely be final, and that my family will question me bringing someone home so soon. As much as i like to hope they mean what they say, that they just want me to be happy, and as much as I know they don’t routinely judge each other, she’s right, and we have to take that slow. I hate that, I hate that i’m happy and whole and have to not share it with the world. Loving her is one of the easiest things to do. Maybe I should grieve the loss of my marriage more, but you know, I grieved it for a long time before I walked out the door. I accepted it would end. Somewhere, I knew that I would have to leave in order to be me. I possibly never should have gotten married. In some ways i regret it. I regret that things are hard for me and TM now because of it. I regret that we will probably have one or two fights about the spouse, about how we’re supposed to act around her, around people who know her, about when we can just always be us without watching our back. Because, the way I am in public when we are, is kind of how I’ve always been with her, but now everyone’s (mostly in the org we all belong to) watching. It wasn’t so bad in her state, but when she was here, I would always question whether I should even lean over and whisper something to her. Should I walk up to the registration table and help out, or will someone, Scarlet I’m looking at you, read more into it and start making comments?

Don’t take it wrong. I’m not looking to flaunt this relationship, that’s just mean. I just hate the waiting to be us. I need to remember that we are us, whenever we can be, and right now we can’t always. I don’t like it, but it’s okay. I told her this morning that I know we’ll be together someday forever, but someday sometimes seems like it’s never gonna get here. Then, I cried. Stupid hormones .

I’ll be back. Hopefully with lots of stories from the next couple of weeks.

I realized last night, after it was pointed out to me that people didn’t know The Midget was no longer in relatively close proximity to me, that I kind of haven’t written in a while.

Oops.

A little over two weeks ago, the Midget’s summer program wrapped up. She hung out for a few days to get some reports done. The plan was for her, sheek, and me to fly back home together, go to a concert at a state fair, and then I’d come home on Tuesday.

Sheek’s been job hunting lately, and my team has an opening. so during that week I put her and my boss together,and we’ve got another team mate. This is unfortunately very sad news for TM, because one of her best friends is moving away, but kind of happy news for me in the sense that I’ll feel less guilty when I leave. (I have no specific plans, but I’m looking.)

We flew out Friday morning, and I spent at least half of one flight curled against TM, sleeping. Watch carefully kids, this becomes a recurring theme.

After lunch with Sheek’s mom TM and I ended up at her parents’ house for the night. I met her stepmom and her dog. Who apparently loves me. Her dad got home a little later, and I would once again like to thank TM and her stepmom for slipping off to find TM a sweater, leaving me alone with the father. He has no idea how I feel about his daughter, but that didn’t matter. I was squirming.

I met a bunch of TM’s people that night at a gig. They were all super nice, and pretty welcoming. One of them even made fun of me during a song. Apparently though, if I’m eventually going to join the ranks of the band widdows, I’m gonna have to learn to dance. Or down more of the super cheap frozen margaritas and forget I don’t know how.

Saturday was both the anniversary of TM’s mother’s death, and my wedding. We both decided we’d kind of like to just hide out somewhere, eat ice cream, and forget that date, but it wasn’t to be. We ended up spending several fun hours with a close friend of TM’s trying to find the cemetary in almost literally the middle of nowhere. After a brief stop, we made our way back to TM’s place.

She hadn’t been home in 8 weeks, so grocery shopping was definitely in order. On the way we stopped at a chicken place. Y’all? Best. Chicken. Tenders. Ever. I’m hooked.

We crashed out for a few hours before meeting up with Sheek and catching our 4:20 AM bus to the fair. Sitting in the parking lot of the bus station, we realized that TM never proofed my final assignment for one of my classes, and I never uploaded it. Between two geeks, and one Geek Ajacent, no one brought a laptop. We all figured we had two iphones, who needed a computer for a 28 hour trip? Whoops.

We got to town, and called the hotel to find out if, by any chance, they had our room ready early. We all wanted a brief nap before we hit the fare. Sadly, they did not, but they did have a business center, and a free shuttle. I’ll resist my usual temptation to explain technical things, and shorten the story to say that the software I use to make the computer talk kept crashing and I was unable to accomplish my task at the hotel. We went out and found awesome breakfast, in the form of omlets, and tracked down a friend who got me access to a functional computer. By the time we made it back to the hotel, our room was ready. The three of us curled up and passed out.

About twenty minutes into our nap, we’re jolted awake by the annoyingly loud sound of the Big Bang Theory theme song coming from my phone. It’s overpriced ticket vendor calling to say that our concert has been postponed.

Really? Really? Seriously? Neough¹!

They did cancel the show for completely legitimate reasons, and the tragedy was horrible, it was just annoying that we’d all kind of come a long way for it and it wouldn’t happen.

We passed out for a few more hours, and eventually headed out to the fair. A bucket O cookies, a plate of ribbon fries, several midway rides, several more fair food stuffs, and a strrawberry smoothie later, we headed back to the hotel and passed out. Until 5AM when it was time to head back home.

Much of Monday was spent passed out on TM’s futon. Though, because she reminded me she could, Rachel got to come out.

We were still hopeful that the concert would be rescheduled, so I made the decision to spend the rest of the week out there, and do the work I could remotely. My boss was amicable, so I changed my flight. TM and I were both pretty excited that I would get to stay until Sunday now. Neither one of us was ready for me to go home Tuesday.

We spent the majority of the week sleeping, cuddling, reading together, and watching The Big Bang Theory, Law and order SVU, and the Guild. Though, really, it was mostly sleeping and cuddling, cuz we had to rewatch many of the episodes on the DVDs.

I’ve never actually figured out quite why, but I don’t sleep as well as when TM’s in my arms, or I’m in hers. I haven’t slept very well for the past six months, but honestly it’s been longer than that since I’ve gotten any kind of reasonable amount of sleep regularly. But when I’m with her, I can relax and actually drift off, and I don’t always need a book in my ear to do it either. Between her exhaustion from running the summer gig, and mine from, just being me I guess, it was small wonder that we were as unconscious as we were.

We did emerge from time to time. Sheek came over Tuesday nad we had a nice dinner of spaghetti. We went downtown Thursday and had lunch, before going out to a park by Sheek’s place and swinging for a while. TM and I hit a store and bought me a new nightgown (we’re eventually planning to burn the one I “liberated” from the Spouse), and some boy jeans that actually fit (take that, 30 pounds I vanished).

Saturday we had a meeting, lunch, and a baseball game, which were all quite enjoyable. Though my stomach was in rebellion. Stupid lactose intolerance. Also, the next time I pay $6 for a margarita, I would like it to have a non zero amount of taquila in it.

Saturday was also the day I officially confirmed TM’s a spanko. . I’ll spare you the details because this post is already long enough, and you really don’t want to read them anyway. Right?. ;P

Sadly, I couldn’t ignore reality any longer and had to go home Sunday morning. Though, had I not been in a shared van, her imitation of Rory Gilmore² may just have been enough to get me to try.

There’s likely at least another post I want to write about the week, but I wanted to put something out, and catch my 3 readers up on where I’ve been lately.

I’m back “on the grid” after three weeks of constant travel for work, one of which was our organization’s annual membership convention, a week where I averaged about three hours of sleep a night.

The Friday after my last post I was theoretically going to spend writing a paper for one of my summer classes . What actually happened? (the paper got written between the hours of 00:30 and 01:30 Sunday morning, then finished at 18:00, and proofed by TM three hours before deadline. go me.) I woke up around 8 (because one of the lawyers from work called my cell and I was stupid and answered), puttered around the apartment, tossed in a load of laundry … and fell asleep on the living room floor. I had to go into the office long enough to pick up a stipend check for the upcoming convention, and also pick up a suitcase I had repaired by a local luggage guy. Got the suitcase just fine. However, when I got to the office, no one from accounting was in their secure hideyhole, and no one answered my pages. Good thing I wasn’t actually counting on that money to eat the next week (I’ve worked for enough nonprofits to know not too).

I poked my head into Pergatory (the office the interns work out of) and finalized plans with Counselor for our evening’s shopping excursion with TM. After I went home and did some more stuff (I’m vague because I honestly don’t recall what it was) I headed out to meet Counselor downtown to catch the bus we needed to go to U-Ville. After an interminable wait, (I hate you TransitJerkthority, you have a bus running to a major shopping complex only once an hour because?, Oh yeah, you’re stupid.), we finally arrived, not before my favorite straight cane discintigrated in my hand. Now I’m stuck with a stupid telescoping one. Long story short, Rachel now owns two more dresses (a navy one and a yellow-green), a cute medium green top and black skirt, black sandals, and some more panties (if anyone can tell me what the style of panties is that is basically cut like a tiny pair of shorts… so I can avoid it when buying online, I’d be greatful. I can post a picture if that description sucks). TM and Counselor got some stuff too, and I picked out a top for TM to wear with the skirt she got that matches mine… she looked quite good in it.

I wasn’t exactly sure how we’d handle the whole changing room issue, but they (at least Counselor) have less nervous in them than I do, and we kind of just all walked in and took over the large sized one. It worked.

We grabbed a bite to eat and then headed home. I ended up talking to TM on the phone for another few hours while we both did final packing and whatnot for convention. I had to do another load of laundry, and two loads of Dryel (thank you, home dry cleaning). I made the conscious decision to pack only my female underwear and nightgown, deciding that I’m not hiding me anymore, and the spouse can either deal or not. Figuring, worst case scenario, TM had her own room and a bathtub I could sleep in. About 3 or 4, I had packed everything except the suits, because they were still hanging up from the dryer, and set the alarm for 7 or so.

Got up, showered, called TM to wake her up and talk for a minute, tossed the remaining power cords and chargers in my bag, and headed for the airport. Zelda and I had been Heytelling back and forth, me not concerned, she worried I would have a long time getting through the lines because they were long when she got there (she got to the airport at 8 for a 10:20 flight. You don’t have to do that at our local one). I breezed through baggage chek and security, and had plenty of time to grab a bite at the Golden Corinary. Sitting at the gate while Zelda runs off to grab a snack, I’m half listening to one of our accounting folks talking about something or other, “shoes… feet swell… cute banquet dress…”.

*record scratch* *rewind*

“cute banquet dress?”

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Astute readers may have already realized what I didn’t pack… A single suit. Now, these weren’t optional, these were the uniform of the day, every day.

The progression of panicthought went a little along the lines of, “okay no problem buy cheap crappy suits when you get there. no you can’t the Spouses dresses also didn’t get packed. oh well who cares. no you have to go home. no way that’s ridiculous. you have to. fine you bastard shut up.”

The gate agent rebooked me on another flight, during which process I realized that my keys, in a move completely not me, were in the top pocket of my checked bag. Oh well, no problem, maintenance will let me in… says our over confident idiotic hero.

Flight Time: 14:35
10:00 – Depart airport in taxi.
10:20 – first call to maintenance… need into building too.
10:22 – random occupant lets me in.
10:45 – second call to maintenance.
11:00 ..
11:15 ..
11:30
… (at least I’m getting reading for school done… gee this floor is kind of comfortable. Not)
12:45 called a locksmith, cuz they’re answering *NONE of their 9-1-1 pages
13:00 – Property manager calls back; on site, coming up; canceled locksmith; called usual cab driver, “get here, fast.” “Didn’t I drop you o…” “never mind that, I’ll explain later. Go.”
13:25 – Leave for airport, again.
13:35 – “I have to stop for gas.” Beat me. 13:55 – Arrive at airport; haul through security, make it to gate.

Made it, but I was a little panicd. Also, the story is now epic legend around work. Ugh.

That night I had another, in what is apparently going to be a long series, of conversations with the Spouse about how I don’t want to be married, why, and where we go from here. It also came out that I love TM, but she’s not the reason I’m leaving, nor have I cheated with her, nor will I while I’m still married.

The rest of the week was full of the usual convention craziness. Late nights with friends you don’t generally see often. Childish drama from people who live the Bowling for Soup song (High School Never Ends). Me pitching in on a number of things that have nothing to do with my job, kind of love that part.

Did have to help track down the parents of a four-year-old who was wandering the hotel. Turns out, the little stinker snuck out while grandma was napping. Why she didn’t set the chain…?

Because of the lost kid, one of our coordination volunteers couldn’t get a call from someone who was supposed to help her with fasion advice for the end of convention banquet. Her exact words to me, “I can ask you. You’re kind of girly.” … yeah, but I didn’t know it was that obvious… I smiled anyway.

Unfortunately, there was also more personal drama. The Spouse confronted TM and from what I know basically told her that I was still married and to back off; and asked how she could get me back. sigh. I felt like she wasn’t hearing me, and that she didn’t want to. I felt like she spent most of the week in full on fight mode. Trying to win me back, basically trying to jump me at one point, and being pissed when I said that I was only having a physical reaction, and barely at that. Later on in the week, we had another hard conversation where she asked if we could get counseling, if for no other reason than to get her some closure and help her move on. Maybe she’s understanding I’m serious, but I can’t tell. Still feels like she’s playing games and hoping I’ll magically change my mind. But, honestly, given her reaction to me, I have a hard time thinking I’ll believe she’s serious and not just trying to save the marriage. Also, there is the little matter of I don’t love her, and haven’t for longer than I would care to admit. She acted like she was open to Rachel and to a number of things that she observed TM and I had in common when we were all hanging out, but it was in her I’m-faking-it-whether-I-know-it-or-not voice. I feel bad that it came to this, but I can’t not be happy anymore. I also can’t keep living with someone I feel like I have to lie to in order to keep happy. I told her that my natural instinct with her, because of how she is, is to keep hard truths from her to protect her. Her response, “if you want to protect me, stay married to me.” I told her I was no longer willing to put her heart before mine long term.

Scarlet gave TM a talking to about appearances after she saw the Spouse upset because I asked TM to get me food, not her. Which I did because half the time the spouse can’t, or won’t, carry anything, I figured she was already sitting down, and TM was stopping. I get why the spouse was upset (no, actually I don’t, but if I look at it from her perspective I can kind of find it), but this is probably the moment full-on fight mode engaged. I get that we have to be careful, kind of, especially now, but it’s hard because that isn’t, and feelings and desires of a different relationship aside, never has been us. We’ve always been close, always taken care of each other… yeah, okay, maybe there’s been more on my side for a while, cuz I’m not that way with everyone… I can’t speak for TM, but we’ve never tried to be inappropriate about it. I also got a little pissed at Scarlet because I’m pretty sure she screwed with our table assignments at banquet to keep the Spouse, me, and TM apart.

After the breakfast incident, TM decided to be a little more scarce publically. I get it, I understand it, I sort of agree with it, but selfishly it broke my heart. I know we can’t, and won’t, dive right into something, but we are us, and being anything less is really hard and feels strange and wrong. Plus, I missed my best friend. Sitting with her at sessions, making snarky comments, just wasn’t the same over text.

An aside about banquet. I’m not gonna lie to you Marge, Tm looked stunning in her dress. Whether she knows it or not, whether it’s in the eye of the beholder or not, the woman is quite beautiful.

Every year at banquet we give out a number of scholarships to college students. This year, one of the winners used a wheelchair and didn’t feel confident pushing himself across the stage. I got a call the afternoon of banquet asking if, since I have experience pushing the spouse’s chair as a blind person, I would push him that night. I was a little nervous, since we had never worked together before, and honestly it’s a challenge pushing another blind person while they cane and give directions, even if you’ve been doing it for 7 years, but it mostly went okay. at least we got through it. Sadly, I got a text this afternoon that said sometime between banquet and this morning he passed away. Y’all, I barely knew him, but that freaked me out a little bit. I had an open IM window to TM at the time, and I made sure to tell her I love and cherish her. Life’s too short.

That’s my week, mostly. I’m sure I’m leaving stuff out, but it’s all still kind of a blur.

Tiger nap now?.

Um. So. Hi.

It’s been a little bit since I’ve written. The Midget has been scolding me for it so, lest she decide it’s time for a trip

over her knee, I guess I should update. (er, wait, maybe I shouldn’t. Hmmm, choices, choices. Hey, honey, just cuz it’s done

doesn’t mean it wasn’t late, right? So… grin).

I’ll just skip the few weeks in between The Midget’s last visit and her moving out here for the summer. Because, honestly, it

was kind of dull an rutine, and full of a little meh for good measure. The highlights were definitely continuing to talk on

IM to TM and phone calls when we could. Oh, and finally gettting the defibulator for work.

TM flew out here for her summer job the second week of June. I didn’t really think I’d see her until the weekend, but they

were running errnads and she stopped in at my office to give me back my audio mixer and deliver several much-needed, always-

appreciated, hugs.

I spent the following Saturday running around taking care of a couple of things (and having a rather painful run-in with a

fire hydrant, stupid skateboarder, that left me with a bruise still tender to palpation). i had originall opted to blow off

dinner with the spouse, since the two people she was going with were not ones I wanted to spend time wiht. However, somehow,

plans changed and two groups became one amebic one and, owing in large part to Tm telling me she was going to be there, I

opted to go. I ‘met up” with her and Sheek on the light rail (sort of, I was on the same train) and we got to the restaurant

together, and, horror of all horrors, had to sit together.

Sunday, I headed up to the University where the summer program is being run and helped Sheek with a few technology questions.

I also took them a wifi router so everyone didn’t have to be hard wired to check e-mail.

I ended up staying for a while, because it took a while to get there, then it was raining, and finally the Spouse texted and

said dinner was messed up so I should just stay up there. I wasn’t really broken about it.

I had quite a fun day. We ended up spending a lot of time hanging out, cuddling, and I got the chance to know Sheek a little

better. fortunately, I like her, cuz she’s one of TM’s best friends and that would have been awkward if I didn’t.

TM and I also got in some quality time talking, holding hands, and snuggling together. She alwas makes me smile, and makes my

heart feel much better. No, Serenity, I didn’t get any swats in… that came Wednesday.

Monday was a dull day at work. Tuesday I had to go out of town for a uick trip. Wednesday morning, the Spouse left for her

family’s at 4:30 in the morning, which meant I had to carry her luggage out, and I never got back to sleep.

My plan was to head from work and catch an express bus to the University, and spend the evening with TM. Plans changed

slightly when Scarlet, TM’s boss, decided the whole crew was going to dinner. The place they were going required me to catch

a different bus, and since the busses in this town frequently suck, one wasn’t coming fast enough for my liking Turns out, I

could have caught my express and met them at the U, since they pulled into the parking lot 30 seconds ahead of the cab I

eventually flagged down. Which was fine, I was more worried I’d miss dinner.

We got back to campus and I helped rearrange the apartment that houses TM’s bedfice, the computer lab, and one of the

training kitchens. Whoever moved stuff the first time was clearly not atuned to the mind of a woman. They set the computer

space up in the room with the attached bath and tub. The bedfice was set up in the bedroom where the bath room, with only a

shower, was off the hall.

TM was incredibly stresses that day, because they had to let a staffer go, and I spent a good amount of time with her and

Sheek, all of us trying to calm and reassure the others over our various fears and worries. We had been listening to a

playlist TM put together the night she packed to come out, and at one point I pulled her in for a slow dance (which, she’s

doing something to me, cuz that’s never a thing I used to initiate on my own). We pulled Sheek into it too, so she wouldn’t

be left out, and spent a long time dancing and holding each other.

We finally moved to the couch and just relaxed for a while. I pulled TM onto my lap at one point, because I wanted to hold

her close and remind her she was loved and not alone. It feels beyond right having her in my arms. I ended up staying until

about 01:00 when I headed back to the city.

Saturday, we all had a meeting at my office and a few of us went out for lunch… to a place I will never willingly go again.

TM and I split an appetizer and an entre, which was good, cuz no way would either one of us have finished the mushy, dry,

bland concocktion of el crapitudeo on our own.

We ended up deciding that TM, sheek, and I splitting a cab would get us to the U faster, and be only marginally more

expensive than taking the train, so we did. We hit the apartments and curled up for a 2 hour nap, broken only by TM or Sheek

having to change laundry. I’m not sure what it is, but I’ve never slept as well as when I’m holding TM, or when she’s holding

me. Honestly, most of the time I stay up until my eyes won’t stay oepn any longer, and then I try to crash. But, with her, I

actually managed to sleep without even needing to read a book while I tried to drift off. That may not always work, but even

when i’ve been watching TV wiht her, I can fall asleep quite quickly in her arms.

We ordered pizza and then started getting things ready for the impending arrival of the brood. I helped pack goodie ags,

repeatedly forgetting to put the Purell in, and fought with a printer in the computer lab, eventually conceding to it… or

rather giving up because it was late and it annoyed me.

As usual, we had music on, and somewhere along the way someone decided I needed to learn the Cupid Shuffle. So, TM taught me.

I get all blushy and self conscious when I do that stuff, because I think I have no tallent, but it was still fun.

Sheek took off for bed somewhere around midnight and TM and I curled up for some more cuddle time. I also brought her a DVD

of Wishbone I Netflixed and we watched that for a little while… though we both completely slept through most of it. I thnk

it was 03:30 or something before I actually left.

Spent Sunday doing homework, laundry, and packing for my trip to Gopherville.

Thus beginith week one of the Trip to Hell. I had to travel to Gopherville to do some follow up work on a project that’s been

going on for several years. Unfortunately, it isn’t going well, and midweek, per my boss’ instructions, I had to be the bad

cop. I don’t like being the bad cop. Roleplay is another story, cuz then it’s for her own good smile, but in real life

though, it makes me sick to let the volcano erupt. As in, I nearly went to the bathroom and threw up after the meeting in

question, and again when my contact at the remote agency confirmed everyone in the room, “hate[s] you”.

Monday was also a might unpleasant. Some of you may have seen my Twitter post about breaking a heart to protect mine. I told

the spouse that I didn’t love her, and I didn’t want to be married to her anymore. She is wholeheartedly convinced it’s just

a phase and that she can love me enough to change my heart, but… it’s not going to happen. I’ve been hiding “me” for too

long. Fortunately not from myself, cuz I have a pretty good idea in my head who I am, but from most of the rest of the world.

I was so glad to get out of there Thursday and head home.

Despite working 11 plus hour days, I was told to report to the office Friday. I ran around putting out fires all day. Thank

goodness, cuz I was fried, and that kind of thing I actually like.

Friday night I went back up to Campus. I had a couple of packages to drop off with TM and Sheek, and just plain wanted to

spend time with TM. I met much of the brood, and they fed me. Seem like mostly a good bunch of kids. Hung out again until

extremely early Saturday morning and went home for a few hours of sleep.

I had an annual “drill” event with the emergency management agency I volunteer for Saturday. It was a 24 hour event, but I

had committed to working a little over 12 hours of it. The plan for Sunday was that I was going ot help TM cook the brood a

dinner, where they would get the opportunity to practice in a formal setting, something most of these kids haven’t

experienced before.

I headed to the U straight from the firehouse early in the morning. That way, we didn’t break the rule about “overnight”

guests. (we just kind of walked on it). TM made me eggs and sausage because I hadn’t had dinner, and we split a plate before

crashing. Once again, I slept well and hard with her in my arms. She also repeatedly told me that Rachel was pretty (I had

brought a nightgown to sleep in).

The next morning, we got up, got dressed, and took another nap. Scarlet showed up with groceries for the meal around 11:00,

and brought back lunch a little while later.

The kids weren’t the only ones who learned something this day. Believe it or not, I had never made mashed potatoes that

didn’t come from a box. Well, I can safely say I have now. Because everything else was taking a while, I incubated those

spuds for hours. TM just kept repeating, “more milk, butter, and sour cream.” (Always something you want to tell a semi-

lactose intollerant person. grin)

The meal went off incredibly well. The kids enjoyed themselves and seemed to learn a lot. TM learned to carry two plates in

one arm, and I Washed a lot of dishes. Fortunately, not as many as I could have, because Scarlet rented the majority of the

formalwear and it didn’t have to be clean when returned. I was a little bumbed that I didn’t have a tuxedo t-shirt. I think

it would have been pretty amusing.

Because we were doing the behind the scenes work, and there was a staff meeting at 22:30, TM and I didn’t get to eat until

after 23:00. At that point, because it was late, and I was feeling stressed because of work and texts and calls from the

spouse I didn’t want to deal with, I barely ate our meal. TM cut off some chicken and said I had to eat at least that much,

and I got it down. She also continued feeding me the Airborn coctails she’d started making me drink Friday night. I can’t

believe I’m saying it, but I think it’s actually helping. The cold appears to be staying at bay. Still tastes like crap

though.

I headed home about 01:00 with the intention of packing for my return trip to Gopherville and catching a quick nap before

leaving for the airport at 05:00. Men plan, God laughs.

Turned on the dryer to fluff the dress shirts I had washed the previous day, set the alarm for 4, and laid down on the couch

to read. Woke up at three, decided I’d pack and go back to sleep. In packing, I realized that a bottle of body wash had

spilled in my backpack. Freaking mess. By the time I got the bag, and the stuff inside it relatively cleaned off, it was

04:00. Took a quick shower and headed for the airport. Slept on the plane, but felt quite zomby like all day.

The second week wasn’t quite so bad, but things are heating up for this project and I’m not sure it’ll all end well. It kind

of makes me hate my job. Especially since everyone at the Mothership is pleased with what I did and says I’ll be doing more

of it.

TM has been my support and strength throughout all of this. Her text mesages and our phone calls always pull me together and

center me. I love her so much.

I’m on a plane flying home now. I have tomorrow off, because I have a paper do Sunday and I’ve… done none of it. Tomorrow

night though, TM, a friend, and I are going shopping for Rachel. I’m quite looking forward to it.

Since this blog is theoretically about kink too. I will point out that I did have the opportunity to give TM a couple of

quick spankings last weekend. All over her skirt, and relatively fast, but she didn’t tell me to stop, and I at least got a

little confirmation that she was into it, so that’s a good sign. She keeps threatening me with a returned favor, but she’s

all talk. smile

We’re hopefully landing soon. SO I’ll get this posted. I’d promise I’ll try to write more regularly, but we’ve all seen how

well that works out. I proably left some stuff out, and I’m sorry for that. Especially things about how TM makes me feel, and

how much fun I have being around her.

Thanks for reading.

I meant to write this post nearly a week ago, but apparently my inner lazy kicked in and it didn’t happen.

Last week’s Not Me Monday post vaguely alluded to the fact that TM came for a visit. If you read that, or read my tweets, you probably figured this out, but it was a freaking awesome weekend and I’m so glad she came.

The fun started off Friday night when she and Scarlet picked me and the spouse up from work. We ventured out to some mexican restaurant with the help of Scarlet’s GPS, and yet still got lost (a not at all uncommon occurance with her). Scarlet dropped the three of us off at the apartment and we watched a couple of Big Bang Theory episodes that were stacked up on the DVR. And completely got TM hooked. We also watched Evan Almighty and a few episodes of Glee and the Simpsons. It was the perfect time to break out the cheese popcorn TM brought from her connecting airport too. Mmm, love that cheese popcorn.

I was able to spend much of the night, in fact the weekend, holding TM’s hand. The feelings of unconditional love, support and strength I got from that simple gesture were amazing. She makes me believe it’s okay to be me, and whatever the rest of the world says or thinks, with her I can let go and be real. The spouse crashed out about 12:30 and I used the opportunity, plus an extra episode of the Simpsons, to get some cuddle time in with TM.

Saturday morning we again tagged up with Scarlet and went to an Amish market outside of the City. We loaded up on goodies like Cranberry nut bread, pineapple bread, sharp cheddar cheese, cucumbers, tomatos, potatoes, and woopie pies (they didn’t have the mint ones though, and I’m pretty sure neither TM nor I ended up eating any. We left all 8 for the spouse. Yuck.). This was also the morning of the amazing breakfast dog. If there’s a better breakfast than scrambled eggs, cheese, and bacon wrapped in pretzel dough, I haven’t found it. Well, the cheese could have been cheddar instead of american, and it would have been that much better, but it was still super tasty.

After we got home, we threw in Season one of TBBT and watched it until it was time to meet up with friends for Louisiana’s birthday dinner. Managed a few more hours of cuddle time too. I’ve been sleeping like crap for a long time, and TM keeps trying to get me to sleep any chance I can. With the exception of toggling to the next episode or changing the disc, I was either out, or in that hazy half sleep half awake state for part of the afternoon. Lying in her arms is amazing, she knows exactly how to get me to relax and feel safe. I actually would have slept more, but I fought it because I felt like it was wasting precious time. Yeah, my inner two year old again. Next time, I’m giving her the wireless keyboard so she can either toggle the episodes for me, or hide it and I’ll just have to deal with the ending credit music, and likely sleep a little more because of it .

I had to make a quick stop at Best Buy to pick up a new XM receiver, ours was on the verge of crapping out. TM, Zelda and her husband Gamer came with me. On the way down, Zelda asked about TM and I holding hands all night. TM, being less frozen than me, explained that she was worried about me (Zelda now knows the whole story, but she knew something had been going on for a while). TM and I are both very tactile people, and we tend to communicate through touch. Also, dang sighted people, your eyes work too well.

We got home and I instaled the XM receiver. Which sadly , I didn’t get working for another few days, but it turned out that it was my problem, not so much XM’s. I thought the receiver wasn’t getting an activation signal, but it turns out that with a receiver connected directly to our home theater receiver, you have to hit an additional button to do direct channel number entry. Geek fail.

We polished off the season of Big Bang Theory and started in on Gilmore Girls. I fell asleep on the couch and the spouse went to bed, apparently TM convinced her to leave me instead of waking me. I did wake up, but moved over to the futon and laid there with TM for a while. (you know, I recall hearing, “go [back] to sleep,” and, “damn you woke up,” more times this weekend than I think I have in my entire life. If I didn’t know she loves me, I might worry that the only way she can put up with me is when I’m out cold.)

Sunday brought more cuddle time, season 2 Gilmore Girls, and general vegging. TM and I cooked dinner that night. We made bacon cheeseburgers, and mashed potatoes. Well, TM did ninety seven percent of the work, I just did what she told me to helped out, and got poked in the lip with a fork. Like I said on Twitter, I suspect she has a mildly sadistic streak, I just was really not expecting it to show up like that. She was trying to feed me a piece of the potato, while checking to see if they were done, and only using the fork to find my mouth (little tip honey, use your other hand as a guide next time smirk), and it took a couple of tries.

We hung out for a few more hours and went to bed.

Monday morning was sad for me. I had an incredible weekend and wasn’t at all looking forward to TM going back home. Though she’ll be back for the summer, so I at least know when I’ll see her again. I’m so thankful that she came out to check on me, um, I mean do work for the summer gig, and that I was finally able to feel a little more whole for the first time in a while.

My love for my best friend continues to grow stronger every day. She’s incredible. She reads me with seemingly no effort. She knows what I’m thinking, even when I’m not able to say it clearly. She knows that a touch, or a hug, can melt me or break my tension and stress. She keeps a 2-month long IM conversation going, even when we’re in the same room, because some things just can’t be said out loud. She loves all of me. There’s so much more, but you all don’t want to be bored with that.

Only 26 days until the 18th. Not that I’m counting.

Concept shamelessly stolen from a vanilla bloggy frend, thanks RF.

I did not wake up this morning and immediately crawl into TM’s arms on the futon because it would be the last fabulously warm hug full of unconditional love and acceptance, and sweet wonderful cuddle time, I’d get for a while.

I did not make an embarrasedly smart assed comment about being glad a piece of equipment still actually functioned after not appologizing for its behavior.

I did not text TM back and forth, across the spouse’s lap, while we cabbed to my office, because I was getting sadder and sadder that she was leaving.

I did not waste time at work building a spreadsheet to calculate weighted grades so I could keep a running track from now on of class grades and not scramble at the end of the semester to figure them out before the professor updates PeopleSoft, because I am not a complete geek.

I did not come out to another long-time friend and she did not give me unconitional support.

I did not get barely any workk done because my head was fogged with dread about the impending conversation with the spouse tonight.

I did not ask TM if my baby blanket was still on the futon, or if she swiped it.

I did not throw a temper tantrum on Twitter.

I did not come home and find previously mentioned blanket and hold it close, inhaling the scent of TM’s lotion.

I did not have a horribly painful conversation with the spouse in which, among other things, I did not tell her that had she reacted the way she has to me being authentic with her before we got married that I never would have married her.

I did not just go find the blanket it again because this day has sucked and I’m crying.

I do not have to still outline the keynote presentation I’m giving in the morning.

I do not have an incredible best friend. And my best friend certainly would never invent a work-related excuse to come make sure I hadn’t completely fallen apart.

I feel like I need to be changing the tagline of this thing to, “Me, raw, and wining,” but I’m kind of lazy.

Lately I have no idea what’s going on with me. I feel burned out on everything, emotionally exhausted, and like I’m going to fall apart at the smallest thing. I’m irritable and snappish about the dummest stuff, and I feel like the person who should be there for me, holding me up, reassuring me, doesn’t notice.

I know the Spouse is busy. She’s worked essentially three weeks straight and we’ve barely spent any time together. I’ve been rather buried lately too, but I just feel like we’re drifting, and not holding it together the way we have in the past when these months come by. Maybe that’s part of why I’m reacting the way I am, but looking back, and thinking about something TM said, I’ve been feeling this way for a while.

I’m not totally out in the cold. TM has been the one person who understands, the one person who has listened to me, comforted me, and let me lean on her for everything lately. I’ve got some mixed feelings about it though. I kind of hate that I’m getting that support from someone who isn’t my wife. Someone who’s never made a vow of any kind to me. Yet, she’s the only person right now that I can be raw with and not fear anything.

I told TM somethingn the other night. Something I maybe shouldn’t have necessarily said, but it’s certainly the truth. I admitted that if circumstances were different, I’d be chasing her with all I had. It’s really how I feel about her, but what does it say about me that I can identify the person who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would make me whole if I wasn’t with my wife? Hell, what does it say that I know that if I had to stop speaking to her now, that I’d never be whole again?

It’s nothing I will ever act on in the sense that I’m leaving the Spouse for TM. Firstly, that’s not the guy I am. Secondly, how could either one of us trust that it would really be real and last if I did. Third, she’s got a boy creature. And, I don’t even know that she feels anywhere near the same. I mean, she calls me her brother, and that kind of thing is only legal in Arkansas and Alabama.

But if circumstances changed, if our paths crossed in a different way, I could see myself falling completely for her.

I was struggling to find a definition for us the other day, and I described it as approaching soul mates. She gets what I’m thinking without me having to even really explain myself. She gets my jokes, references, and snarky comments. She accepts all of me for the multifascited weirdo that I am.

Right now, in my marriage, I feel like I’m the only one doing the caring. Like I’m just expected to be okay and not need to be cared for myself. I don’t want that. I can’t take that for much longer. I have needs, feelings, fears. I need to be held from time to time and feel like I’m not any weaker for it.

I feel like such a damn schmuck for getting that from someone else, but it’s the only way I can even touch on taking care of myself. And right now, I’m barely doing that.

None of this is to say that I don’t appreciate TM. I very much do. I very much love and cherish her and am greatful beyond words for her presence in my life.

I worry that I’m asking too much of TM. That I’m crossing emotional boundaries that I shouldn’t cross. She says I’m not. I really believe I’m not, but in my weaker moments I just worry that she’ll have enough and disappear.

I’m just confused, and scared, and have no idea what’s next, or how to make it all better.

GRRR