(no, this is not an ageplay post about my little, she’s a teen not a toddler :).)
Two years ago, in an IM conversation with The Midget at some super late hour, I began the process of emerging from my self-constructed shell of lies and semi-false personality. That first step, as it always is, was the beginning of my 1100 and change mile journey to where I am now. I have experienced a lot in that time: the break up of a marriage founded on a lot of me not being honest with myself, let alone Her. Talking to a therapist who told me I wasn’t crazy. Living with my crazyawesome friends for what was supposed to be two months that turned into four and a half. Quitting a pretty stable job for an unknown contractor gig that promised challenges and exposure to something new. Moving from the east coast back to the “Heartland” to be closer to The Midget, and save money, and leaving a ton of my belongings along the way because the pod wasn’t big enough. Slowly growing more comfortable with myself, realizing how unhappy I used to be, and having friends notice that I seemed like an entirely different person. Living on the floor of my apartment because I didn’t get around to putting the futon frame together until July. Buying nice “adult” furniture (the kind that didn’t come from Ikea and that I didn’t have to put together). Discovering that I actually do like children and small dogs. Getting and giving more spankings than ever; and still wanting more. reafirming my beliefs that there are not enough hours in the day, daylight savings time sucks, chocolate peanut butter pie is nothing short of awesomesauce, true friends are worth eleventy infinities their weight in gold, Aaron sorkin still writes killer television (even when it’s heavy with the Sorkinizing [Sorkin’s sermonizing on why he’s smarter than everyone else]), I feel better when I don’t eat like crap, I no longer hate pasta, and wearing the “I am who I am, your approval is not needed” t-shirt doesn’t always mean telling the opinionated asshats to piss off is as easy as your heart says it should be. Continuing to love and be loved by the Midget. Having great friends both online and in real life. slowly discovering that Wonderboss was a loon and I’m better off without her, even though it feels like I’m reinventing the wheel because of the institutional knowledge I don’t have. Contract gig going full-time. Losing more weight (sadly in my ass). Finally caving and purchasing a Mac. Reminding myself, and showing The Midget, that trains are the bestest mode of travel. Starting GMM’s Song of ice and Fire series, and realizing they are good but loooooong books. There are probably many more things too, but I’ve list-rambled long enough.
I’ve also realized that my transgenderedness has become a little more prominant than I ever thought it would be. I’m not presenting in public yet, but I smile every time someone calls me miss, and feel a little drop when they correct themselves. I frequently think I would like to present as a woman, because that’s mostly how I see myself. It’s interesting that it used to feel like “she” was another part of me, but more and more I acknowledge that I’m her and there isn’t a boy half and a girl half; in my head I see myself as a girl, I’m a girl in my fantasies, in my head instead of wearing the suit and tie to meetings I’m wearing a skirt and heels. Do I want to do anything about it? shrug I’m not sure. The reasons I’m not sure are a whole post in itself, so I’ll save the material to give myself something to write about. It hasn’t been a lightning moment, it’s just been a gradual realization that I see myself differently in my head than my body presents as. Makes for interesting self-examination.
There are times I examine my life-progress and wonder if I should have done things differently. should I have explored my transgender identity sooner? Should I have done college differently? Should I have not gotten married? The answer is always, “I don’t know.” The experiences have shaped me. I’ve learned lessons, taught others, and discovered things along the way that have brought me to where I am. Kill a butterfly a million years ago, you might end up never being born. It’s all academic anyway. What I know is I’m truely happy. Even through the rough spots it’s been two great years. I’m planning on many more to come too.
Now, because they’re still stuck in my head after being introduced to their stuff this past week, I am going to go listen to more Garfunkel and Oates 😀