Monthly Archives: July 2011

Another Week Goes by, I’m learning how to live my life

Another Week Goes by, I’m learning how to live my life

I’m back “on the grid” after three weeks of constant travel for work, one of which was our organization’s annual membership convention, a week where I averaged about three hours of sleep a night.

The Friday after my last post I was theoretically going to spend writing a paper for one of my summer classes . What actually happened? (the paper got written between the hours of 00:30 and 01:30 Sunday morning, then finished at 18:00, and proofed by TM three hours before deadline. go me.) I woke up around 8 (because one of the lawyers from work called my cell and I was stupid and answered), puttered around the apartment, tossed in a load of laundry … and fell asleep on the living room floor. I had to go into the office long enough to pick up a stipend check for the upcoming convention, and also pick up a suitcase I had repaired by a local luggage guy. Got the suitcase just fine. However, when I got to the office, no one from accounting was in their secure hideyhole, and no one answered my pages. Good thing I wasn’t actually counting on that money to eat the next week (I’ve worked for enough nonprofits to know not too).

I poked my head into Pergatory (the office the interns work out of) and finalized plans with Counselor for our evening’s shopping excursion with TM. After I went home and did some more stuff (I’m vague because I honestly don’t recall what it was) I headed out to meet Counselor downtown to catch the bus we needed to go to U-Ville. After an interminable wait, (I hate you TransitJerkthority, you have a bus running to a major shopping complex only once an hour because?, Oh yeah, you’re stupid.), we finally arrived, not before my favorite straight cane discintigrated in my hand. Now I’m stuck with a stupid telescoping one. Long story short, Rachel now owns two more dresses (a navy one and a yellow-green), a cute medium green top and black skirt, black sandals, and some more panties (if anyone can tell me what the style of panties is that is basically cut like a tiny pair of shorts… so I can avoid it when buying online, I’d be greatful. I can post a picture if that description sucks). TM and Counselor got some stuff too, and I picked out a top for TM to wear with the skirt she got that matches mine… she looked quite good in it.

I wasn’t exactly sure how we’d handle the whole changing room issue, but they (at least Counselor) have less nervous in them than I do, and we kind of just all walked in and took over the large sized one. 🙂 It worked.

We grabbed a bite to eat and then headed home. I ended up talking to TM on the phone for another few hours while we both did final packing and whatnot for convention. I had to do another load of laundry, and two loads of Dryel (thank you, home dry cleaning). I made the conscious decision to pack only my female underwear and nightgown, deciding that I’m not hiding me anymore, and the spouse can either deal or not. Figuring, worst case scenario, TM had her own room and a bathtub I could sleep in. 🙂 About 3 or 4, I had packed everything except the suits, because they were still hanging up from the dryer, and set the alarm for 7 or so.

Got up, showered, called TM to wake her up and talk for a minute, tossed the remaining power cords and chargers in my bag, and headed for the airport. Zelda and I had been Heytelling back and forth, me not concerned, she worried I would have a long time getting through the lines because they were long when she got there (she got to the airport at 8 for a 10:20 flight. You don’t have to do that at our local one). I breezed through baggage chek and security, and had plenty of time to grab a bite at the Golden Corinary. Sitting at the gate while Zelda runs off to grab a snack, I’m half listening to one of our accounting folks talking about something or other, “shoes… feet swell… cute banquet dress…”.

*record scratch* *rewind*

“cute banquet dress?”

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Astute readers may have already realized what I didn’t pack… A single suit. Now, these weren’t optional, these were the uniform of the day, every day.

The progression of panicthought went a little along the lines of, “okay no problem buy cheap crappy suits when you get there. no you can’t the Spouses dresses also didn’t get packed. oh well who cares. no you have to go home. no way that’s ridiculous. you have to. fine you bastard shut up.”

The gate agent rebooked me on another flight, during which process I realized that my keys, in a move completely not me, were in the top pocket of my checked bag. Oh well, no problem, maintenance will let me in… says our over confident idiotic hero.

Flight Time: 14:35
10:00 – Depart airport in taxi.
10:20 – first call to maintenance… need into building too.
10:22 – random occupant lets me in.
10:45 – second call to maintenance.
11:00 ..
11:15 ..
… (at least I’m getting reading for school done… gee this floor is kind of comfortable. Not)
12:45 called a locksmith, cuz they’re answering *NONE of their 9-1-1 pages
13:00 – Property manager calls back; on site, coming up; canceled locksmith; called usual cab driver, “get here, fast.” “Didn’t I drop you o…” “never mind that, I’ll explain later. Go.”
13:25 – Leave for airport, again.
13:35 – “I have to stop for gas.” Beat me. 13:55 – Arrive at airport; haul through security, make it to gate.

Made it, but I was a little panicd. Also, the story is now epic legend around work. Ugh.

That night I had another, in what is apparently going to be a long series, of conversations with the Spouse about how I don’t want to be married, why, and where we go from here. It also came out that I love TM, but she’s not the reason I’m leaving, nor have I cheated with her, nor will I while I’m still married.

The rest of the week was full of the usual convention craziness. Late nights with friends you don’t generally see often. Childish drama from people who live the Bowling for Soup song (High School Never Ends). Me pitching in on a number of things that have nothing to do with my job, kind of love that part.

Did have to help track down the parents of a four-year-old who was wandering the hotel. Turns out, the little stinker snuck out while grandma was napping. Why she didn’t set the chain…?

Because of the lost kid, one of our coordination volunteers couldn’t get a call from someone who was supposed to help her with fasion advice for the end of convention banquet. Her exact words to me, “I can ask you. You’re kind of girly.” … yeah, but I didn’t know it was that obvious… I smiled anyway.

Unfortunately, there was also more personal drama. The Spouse confronted TM and from what I know basically told her that I was still married and to back off; and asked how she could get me back. sigh. I felt like she wasn’t hearing me, and that she didn’t want to. I felt like she spent most of the week in full on fight mode. Trying to win me back, basically trying to jump me at one point, and being pissed when I said that I was only having a physical reaction, and barely at that. Later on in the week, we had another hard conversation where she asked if we could get counseling, if for no other reason than to get her some closure and help her move on. Maybe she’s understanding I’m serious, but I can’t tell. Still feels like she’s playing games and hoping I’ll magically change my mind. But, honestly, given her reaction to me, I have a hard time thinking I’ll believe she’s serious and not just trying to save the marriage. Also, there is the little matter of I don’t love her, and haven’t for longer than I would care to admit. She acted like she was open to Rachel and to a number of things that she observed TM and I had in common when we were all hanging out, but it was in her I’m-faking-it-whether-I-know-it-or-not voice. I feel bad that it came to this, but I can’t not be happy anymore. I also can’t keep living with someone I feel like I have to lie to in order to keep happy. I told her that my natural instinct with her, because of how she is, is to keep hard truths from her to protect her. Her response, “if you want to protect me, stay married to me.” I told her I was no longer willing to put her heart before mine long term.

Scarlet gave TM a talking to about appearances after she saw the Spouse upset because I asked TM to get me food, not her. Which I did because half the time the spouse can’t, or won’t, carry anything, I figured she was already sitting down, and TM was stopping. I get why the spouse was upset (no, actually I don’t, but if I look at it from her perspective I can kind of find it), but this is probably the moment full-on fight mode engaged. I get that we have to be careful, kind of, especially now, but it’s hard because that isn’t, and feelings and desires of a different relationship aside, never has been us. We’ve always been close, always taken care of each other… yeah, okay, maybe there’s been more on my side for a while, cuz I’m not that way with everyone… I can’t speak for TM, but we’ve never tried to be inappropriate about it. I also got a little pissed at Scarlet because I’m pretty sure she screwed with our table assignments at banquet to keep the Spouse, me, and TM apart.

After the breakfast incident, TM decided to be a little more scarce publically. I get it, I understand it, I sort of agree with it, but selfishly it broke my heart. I know we can’t, and won’t, dive right into something, but we are us, and being anything less is really hard and feels strange and wrong. Plus, I missed my best friend. Sitting with her at sessions, making snarky comments, just wasn’t the same over text.

An aside about banquet. I’m not gonna lie to you Marge, Tm looked stunning in her dress. Whether she knows it or not, whether it’s in the eye of the beholder or not, the woman is quite beautiful.

Every year at banquet we give out a number of scholarships to college students. This year, one of the winners used a wheelchair and didn’t feel confident pushing himself across the stage. I got a call the afternoon of banquet asking if, since I have experience pushing the spouse’s chair as a blind person, I would push him that night. I was a little nervous, since we had never worked together before, and honestly it’s a challenge pushing another blind person while they cane and give directions, even if you’ve been doing it for 7 years, but it mostly went okay. at least we got through it. Sadly, I got a text this afternoon that said sometime between banquet and this morning he passed away. Y’all, I barely knew him, but that freaked me out a little bit. I had an open IM window to TM at the time, and I made sure to tell her I love and cherish her. Life’s too short.

That’s my week, mostly. I’m sure I’m leaving stuff out, but it’s all still kind of a blur.

Tiger nap now?. 🙂