Monthly Archives: April 2011

I feel like I need to be changing the tagline of this thing to, “Me, raw, and wining,” but I’m kind of lazy.

Lately I have no idea what’s going on with me. I feel burned out on everything, emotionally exhausted, and like I’m going to fall apart at the smallest thing. I’m irritable and snappish about the dummest stuff, and I feel like the person who should be there for me, holding me up, reassuring me, doesn’t notice.

I know the Spouse is busy. She’s worked essentially three weeks straight and we’ve barely spent any time together. I’ve been rather buried lately too, but I just feel like we’re drifting, and not holding it together the way we have in the past when these months come by. Maybe that’s part of why I’m reacting the way I am, but looking back, and thinking about something TM said, I’ve been feeling this way for a while.

I’m not totally out in the cold. TM has been the one person who understands, the one person who has listened to me, comforted me, and let me lean on her for everything lately. I’ve got some mixed feelings about it though. I kind of hate that I’m getting that support from someone who isn’t my wife. Someone who’s never made a vow of any kind to me. Yet, she’s the only person right now that I can be raw with and not fear anything.

I told TM somethingn the other night. Something I maybe shouldn’t have necessarily said, but it’s certainly the truth. I admitted that if circumstances were different, I’d be chasing her with all I had. It’s really how I feel about her, but what does it say about me that I can identify the person who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would make me whole if I wasn’t with my wife? Hell, what does it say that I know that if I had to stop speaking to her now, that I’d never be whole again?

It’s nothing I will ever act on in the sense that I’m leaving the Spouse for TM. Firstly, that’s not the guy I am. Secondly, how could either one of us trust that it would really be real and last if I did. Third, she’s got a boy creature. And, I don’t even know that she feels anywhere near the same. I mean, she calls me her brother, and that kind of thing is only legal in Arkansas and Alabama.

But if circumstances changed, if our paths crossed in a different way, I could see myself falling completely for her.

I was struggling to find a definition for us the other day, and I described it as approaching soul mates. She gets what I’m thinking without me having to even really explain myself. She gets my jokes, references, and snarky comments. She accepts all of me for the multifascited weirdo that I am.

Right now, in my marriage, I feel like I’m the only one doing the caring. Like I’m just expected to be okay and not need to be cared for myself. I don’t want that. I can’t take that for much longer. I have needs, feelings, fears. I need to be held from time to time and feel like I’m not any weaker for it.

I feel like such a damn schmuck for getting that from someone else, but it’s the only way I can even touch on taking care of myself. And right now, I’m barely doing that.

None of this is to say that I don’t appreciate TM. I very much do. I very much love and cherish her and am greatful beyond words for her presence in my life.

I worry that I’m asking too much of TM. That I’m crossing emotional boundaries that I shouldn’t cross. She says I’m not. I really believe I’m not, but in my weaker moments I just worry that she’ll have enough and disappear.

I’m just confused, and scared, and have no idea what’s next, or how to make it all better.

GRRR

Lyrics and lifelines

Lyrics and lifelines

It’s been two weeks since I came out to TM; a week since I told the spouse. I really still don’t know exactly where I am at this point. With the spouse that is, TM’s been my lifeline

TM was asking me if I had listened to any songs by an artist she had recently told me about, and I told her that one in particular had been floating around in my head. She listened to it, and we both ended up on the same train of thought; it described something she’s been promising me, and was perfect for her to use at an event she has to sing at. She recorded a quick demo and sent it to me, and I’ve been playing it… a lot. As in, if this thing were on actual magnetic tape, it’d have worn out already. 🙂

I love having friends that can sing. I love music, I think it has incredible healing powers, and generally, at least for me, can really draw my emotions out, or help me find the place I need to be in. When someone sends you a song, or records one and says, “here, this is what I’m feeling for you,” it really means a lot to me, and is something to be cherished.

I’ve been clinging to the promise in there too. The promise that I’m loved no matter what; that I’m not going to lose the people who truely get me and care about me, no matter what happens.

You also know you’ve got a special friend when they’re willing to hang out with you for 8 hours one night, and more the next day, while you do homework just to chat and keep you going. I had a project due on Sunday that, for various reasons, I had barely touched until Friday night. The Spouse was working most of the weekend, so I was home alone, and I’m sincerely greatful TM was willing to hang out on voice chat with me and keep me talking. My instinct would have been to turtle up and say screw the project, this blanket is way more snuggly, but whether she knows it or not, she pulled me out of my own wallowing and I got the project done.


So, where are things with the Spouse? About the same I guess. She’s “confused” and doesn’t understand how she’s supposed to feel. She can’t see past, “God created man and woman to be different,” and she doesn’t see how what I like can possibly be “right.” I guess that’s where the difference lies, I don’t see how it’s wrong. She wants a list of what’s okay to do; I think that it’s between god and me, and he’s ultimately the judge of how I lived my life. How’s that go? “Lord, I don’t know if the things I do please you, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you,” or something.

I don’t know what to tell her. I have no words that will reassure her that I’m still me. I’m sorry I hid this, but this is why I was scared to reveal it. The knowing certainty that I would face this.

She said she’s still in love with me, that she thinks we’re meant to be together, but she doesn’t know where to go, and there’s no one in the world she can talk it through with.

This morning, I asked her if I could do anything to help. Her response, “kill me.” So, not only have i made her question me, but I broke the depression that she was getting under control. Go me.

My head’s also been doing some weird shit too. I’m not really sure what to think about it and it sounds really weird writing it, but maybe it’ll go away if I put it down. Have you ever, in some part of your mind, known something was going to happen? Not where, not when, not the details, but your brain is prepping you for something? This isn’t the first time this has ever happened, but I don’t know what to think about it. Somewhere, deep back there, I feel like she’s not going to be here much longer. I don’t know if it’s an actual premminition, or just my brain feeling hurt and scared and gearing it self up for her saying, “no, we’re through,” but I keep having these flashes of things, of car accidents, of heart attacks, of her medial steinal mass suddenly blowing and killing her… This sounds really disloyal and fucked up,. i realize that, yeah, some day she actually will die, but this feels closer, more immediate, and I don’t know what to do with it.

sigh

Back to work, and playing my song.