I feel like I need to be changing the tagline of this thing to, “Me, raw, and wining,” but I’m kind of lazy.
Lately I have no idea what’s going on with me. I feel burned out on everything, emotionally exhausted, and like I’m going to fall apart at the smallest thing. I’m irritable and snappish about the dummest stuff, and I feel like the person who should be there for me, holding me up, reassuring me, doesn’t notice.
I know the Spouse is busy. She’s worked essentially three weeks straight and we’ve barely spent any time together. I’ve been rather buried lately too, but I just feel like we’re drifting, and not holding it together the way we have in the past when these months come by. Maybe that’s part of why I’m reacting the way I am, but looking back, and thinking about something TM said, I’ve been feeling this way for a while.
I’m not totally out in the cold. TM has been the one person who understands, the one person who has listened to me, comforted me, and let me lean on her for everything lately. I’ve got some mixed feelings about it though. I kind of hate that I’m getting that support from someone who isn’t my wife. Someone who’s never made a vow of any kind to me. Yet, she’s the only person right now that I can be raw with and not fear anything.
I told TM somethingn the other night. Something I maybe shouldn’t have necessarily said, but it’s certainly the truth. I admitted that if circumstances were different, I’d be chasing her with all I had. It’s really how I feel about her, but what does it say about me that I can identify the person who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would make me whole if I wasn’t with my wife? Hell, what does it say that I know that if I had to stop speaking to her now, that I’d never be whole again?
It’s nothing I will ever act on in the sense that I’m leaving the Spouse for TM. Firstly, that’s not the guy I am. Secondly, how could either one of us trust that it would really be real and last if I did. Third, she’s got a boy creature. And, I don’t even know that she feels anywhere near the same. I mean, she calls me her brother, and that kind of thing is only legal in Arkansas and Alabama.
But if circumstances changed, if our paths crossed in a different way, I could see myself falling completely for her.
I was struggling to find a definition for us the other day, and I described it as approaching soul mates. She gets what I’m thinking without me having to even really explain myself. She gets my jokes, references, and snarky comments. She accepts all of me for the multifascited weirdo that I am.
Right now, in my marriage, I feel like I’m the only one doing the caring. Like I’m just expected to be okay and not need to be cared for myself. I don’t want that. I can’t take that for much longer. I have needs, feelings, fears. I need to be held from time to time and feel like I’m not any weaker for it.
I feel like such a damn schmuck for getting that from someone else, but it’s the only way I can even touch on taking care of myself. And right now, I’m barely doing that.
None of this is to say that I don’t appreciate TM. I very much do. I very much love and cherish her and am greatful beyond words for her presence in my life.
I worry that I’m asking too much of TM. That I’m crossing emotional boundaries that I shouldn’t cross. She says I’m not. I really believe I’m not, but in my weaker moments I just worry that she’ll have enough and disappear.
I’m just confused, and scared, and have no idea what’s next, or how to make it all better.