Well, it’s out there.
Last night I opened up and told the spouse about my crossdressing. Her reaction wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it could have been, but it wasn’t as positive as I would have ultimately liked.
She said she was confused. Which, I think I get. But now, I’m kind of in limbo since she wants time to process and doesn’t know how long that will take. She wants to find the biblical perspective, and figure out how crossdressing fits into Christianity and our marriage. I’m incredibly scared that what she’s going to find is going to be nothing more than condemnation and then I’ll be forced to choose.
She asked if I wanted to “flaunt” my crossdressing. To routinely go into public dressed, or whatever. I told her that I pretty much was just doing it at home and would keep it that way. Sure, in fantasies I go out dressed, but that’s just fantasy. I’m not even sure I’m passable, and wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t. She also basically said she didn’t want any of our friends to know about it either, so I definitely withheld that TM already did.
To an extent, in an idealized world, I was really hoping she’d react the same way as TM did when I told her last week. With unfailing acceptance that who I am is who I am (perhaps the fact that she suspected made that easier though). Though, since I was assuming that I’d be sleeping on the couch or told to find another place to live, maybe I should shut my mouth and be greatful for what I got.
She said she still loved me, and that the vows did say “for better or worse,” and she still even liked me. I just can’t help feeling a little like I’m in limbo, or waiting for the Judge to come back with a verdict.
sigh At least I slept last night.
Overall, I’m feeling better that it’s out there, and that she knows. I’m just hoping she’ll ultimately accept it. A tiny portion of me regrets saying it, but that’s probably just the never-ending fear of rejection talking. Yet these words from an old M2M song, “Mirror Mirror”, keep running through my head:
I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind
to say the kind of things I said last night
Mirror, Mirror hanging on the wall
You don’t have to tell me, who’s the biggest fool of all.