Monthly Archives: March 2011

Okay… Now What?

Okay… Now What?

Well, it’s out there.

Last night I opened up and told the spouse about my crossdressing. Her reaction wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it could have been, but it wasn’t as positive as I would have ultimately liked.

She said she was confused. Which, I think I get. But now, I’m kind of in limbo since she wants time to process and doesn’t know how long that will take. She wants to find the biblical perspective, and figure out how crossdressing fits into Christianity and our marriage. I’m incredibly scared that what she’s going to find is going to be nothing more than condemnation and then I’ll be forced to choose.

She asked if I wanted to “flaunt” my crossdressing. To routinely go into public dressed, or whatever. I told her that I pretty much was just doing it at home and would keep it that way. Sure, in fantasies I go out dressed, but that’s just fantasy. I’m not even sure I’m passable, and wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t. She also basically said she didn’t want any of our friends to know about it either, so I definitely withheld that TM already did.

To an extent, in an idealized world, I was really hoping she’d react the same way as TM did when I told her last week. With unfailing acceptance that who I am is who I am (perhaps the fact that she suspected made that easier though). Though, since I was assuming that I’d be sleeping on the couch or told to find another place to live, maybe I should shut my mouth and be greatful for what I got.

She said she still loved me, and that the vows did say “for better or worse,” and she still even liked me. I just can’t help feeling a little like I’m in limbo, or waiting for the Judge to come back with a verdict.

sigh At least I slept last night.

Overall, I’m feeling better that it’s out there, and that she knows. I’m just hoping she’ll ultimately accept it. A tiny portion of me regrets saying it, but that’s probably just the never-ending fear of rejection talking. Yet these words from an old M2M song, “Mirror Mirror”, keep running through my head:

I must be stupid, must be crazy, must be out of my mind
to say the kind of things I said last night
Mirror, Mirror hanging on the wall
You don’t have to tell me, who’s the biggest fool of all.

Lost and Confused

Lost and Confused

It’s been a fairly odd week and I’m not really sure how to deal with the miriad emotions running through my head.

I have, from time-to-time, attempted to broach the subject of crossdressing with my wife. Never directly bringing it up, but talking about the subject to try and feel her attitude out. Well, Monday night I got my difinitive answer.

I was grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge; she was asking me if I wanted to come shopping with her and her friend Sunday if I got my school work done. I told her that I really didn’t have a reason to and joked that she always asks me to come shopping, but never lets me buy a dress. She said something to the effect of, “If you ever actually told me that you’re a transvestite, I’d probably divorce you.” Well, since I consider myself a crossdresser, I told her I wasn’t, but that really hurt me.

Tuesday, I had had a long day at work. That, combined with a serious lack of sleep for the past sevral nights, caused me to be a lot more open with a friend of ours in an IM conversation than I normally would have been. I ended up, trusting in her words of encouragement and assurances that she wasn’t going to “ditch”, telling her the quick story of me and my desires to wear women’s clothing.

I wasn’t at all sure what to expect, and I was incredibly nervous waiting for the reply to come through in our semi-asynchronous communications. I was both relieved, and mildly shocked, when her response basically said that I had only confirmed something that she suspected, and later that it didn’t at all change how she cared about me.

Even recalling it now, I’m tearing up thinking about the fact that she is willing to accept me for who I am, no matter what is in my head.

Over the last few days, I’ve vascilated between feeling good about it, and a mild amount of anger and guilt.

Until now, the only people who have known about this part of me are either those that knew about it before I got married (mostly a couple of previous girlfriends), and you all who started out pretty much knowing this side of me existed. Now I feel mildly like my worlds have collided. Before, it was really easy to justify not telling my spouse because no one who knew her had any idea. It was like I could keep those “parts” separated. but now I’m dealing with feeling guilty that I’ve shared something like this with a close friend and not my wife (who is supposed to be my soul mate and partner), but I’m also angry because I know that, based on her reaction, she will never be open to accepting that I’m still me, and this is just a part of me.

There’s also some guilt surfacing telling me I should have told her about me a long time ago. Even reminding myself that, then, I was pretending it didn’t exist, isn’t making me feel any differently. I don’t love my wife any less, but I don’t know what to do with the certainty that, if she knew about “all” of me, she wouldn’t like me anymore

Ugh. I hate feeling this uncertain, this confused, this lost, but I pretty much don’t know how else to feel or what to do now.

I’m hoping at least writing it down will get it out of my head a while so I can concentrate on the essay I have to finish. We’ll see.